Superbly articulated. It’s so affirming that many of us are choosing to speak out about what is deeply painful and unfortunately quite common. Thank you for this beautiful piece. We are not alone.
I spent more than twenty years inside an institution (education) I loved. When I finally named what was happening to the company doctor - institutional gaslighting - I had already learned everything you describe here. Not as theory. As invoice.
Your precision is what strikes me. You name the mechanism without softening it to spare the reader: the unspoken bargain where one person absorbs the conflict so the group never has to look at it. The moment independent judgment stops registering as opinion and starts registering as attack. The system never calls it punishment. It calls it disappointment, concern, procedure. until you start doubting your own perception. That doubt is not a side effect. It is the mechanism working as designed.
And then the poem. Forgotten, alone, and free. Most writers would have reversed the order to comfort us. You refused that too. The freedom comes last because it is paid for by the two words before it.
Where I live and work, I’ve started calling this boundary art; the practice of standing at the seam between what a system demands and what you know. Your article maps the seam. Your poem stands on it.
From one boundary artist to another: they wanted a mirror. You handed them a written record instead. A true mirror.
Amazing insight and well written thank you for putting your story into words, it resounded deeply. Interesting that you draw an end line on the situation of rejecting your false persona to a future of isolation, im more optimistic for you. By sharing your experience you step outside to a world that has to acknowledge you, knowing whether you need that affirmation or not is your freedom. Take me as you find me
I live in a backwoods town in Arkansas. It might as well be Mars. It's funny though, that's how life works. Because if It were any other way, I wouldn't be able to focus on doing what I'm best at.
Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die.
Thank you! You perfectly articulated my own experience with ‘religious’ friends, clergy and the abandonment i feel by simply telling the truth of my own experience. Hate and rejection is what i have learned from the practice of ‘religion’ and the attendant false friends of hypocrisy. The arrogance and cruelty are truly outstanding, especially those feeding their own egos. They think they speak for ‘god’. No human is capable of speaking for non existent gods. We are still in the dark ages.
This captures something many people don't recognize until much later: the deepest loneliness isn't being rejected for who you are, but being accepted only for who you're pretending to be. That's why authenticity can initially feel less like freedom than grief. You don't just lose approval—you lose the illusion that it was ever unconditional.
Painful as that realization is, it's also where genuine belonging finally becomes possible....
This was a painful read. That's why... at least to begin with... I am commenting. I guess it helps me deal with it. Perhaps though there is an additional thought I am able to share. I did not originate it but it resonated with me, so I've kept it ever since (about 15 years). The Earth is my country and my fellow human beings are its citizens. So, yes, it allows one to be oneself. It does it in such a way though that others may be themselves as well. And if one ponders it, we're each an individual. Unique, a one-off, y'know just a person.
It speaks to freedom as well. Again I take a step back. I take myself out of it for a moment. See two people or two groups of people. If one has greater freedom than the other then it is unhealthy. The imbalance invariably results in dominance, bullying, slavery... well these kinds of dynamics. So, as with another article I saw you write - each person has intrinsic worth. Freedom.. if it is to be healthy freedom.. requires this kind of balance between and among persons. I dunno how this may manifest in the world, but that's kinda the point. Such knowledge would put me above others. It is not my place, nor is it anyone else's. The thought itself though is sound, because we are each and every last one of us a person. Today's world has imbalances. They exist everyone and in a myriad of ways. It needs addressing. It seems to me you are working in this regard, so all the best with it. It is an aim I have in life as well.
Superbly articulated. It’s so affirming that many of us are choosing to speak out about what is deeply painful and unfortunately quite common. Thank you for this beautiful piece. We are not alone.
Thank you! I see you.
I spent more than twenty years inside an institution (education) I loved. When I finally named what was happening to the company doctor - institutional gaslighting - I had already learned everything you describe here. Not as theory. As invoice.
Your precision is what strikes me. You name the mechanism without softening it to spare the reader: the unspoken bargain where one person absorbs the conflict so the group never has to look at it. The moment independent judgment stops registering as opinion and starts registering as attack. The system never calls it punishment. It calls it disappointment, concern, procedure. until you start doubting your own perception. That doubt is not a side effect. It is the mechanism working as designed.
And then the poem. Forgotten, alone, and free. Most writers would have reversed the order to comfort us. You refused that too. The freedom comes last because it is paid for by the two words before it.
Where I live and work, I’ve started calling this boundary art; the practice of standing at the seam between what a system demands and what you know. Your article maps the seam. Your poem stands on it.
From one boundary artist to another: they wanted a mirror. You handed them a written record instead. A true mirror.
https://grenskunst.substack.com/p/het-vuur-is-mijn-ware-spiegel? (In Dutch)
Amazing insight and well written thank you for putting your story into words, it resounded deeply. Interesting that you draw an end line on the situation of rejecting your false persona to a future of isolation, im more optimistic for you. By sharing your experience you step outside to a world that has to acknowledge you, knowing whether you need that affirmation or not is your freedom. Take me as you find me
I live in a backwoods town in Arkansas. It might as well be Mars. It's funny though, that's how life works. Because if It were any other way, I wouldn't be able to focus on doing what I'm best at.
Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die.
Life isn't about the self.
Thank you! You perfectly articulated my own experience with ‘religious’ friends, clergy and the abandonment i feel by simply telling the truth of my own experience. Hate and rejection is what i have learned from the practice of ‘religion’ and the attendant false friends of hypocrisy. The arrogance and cruelty are truly outstanding, especially those feeding their own egos. They think they speak for ‘god’. No human is capable of speaking for non existent gods. We are still in the dark ages.
I have lived this but am now free too. Thanks for sharing. Nice to know others have similar experiences.
This captures something many people don't recognize until much later: the deepest loneliness isn't being rejected for who you are, but being accepted only for who you're pretending to be. That's why authenticity can initially feel less like freedom than grief. You don't just lose approval—you lose the illusion that it was ever unconditional.
Painful as that realization is, it's also where genuine belonging finally becomes possible....
Your piece is a warning and reality. Thank you.
Something as we get older, is that we care less what others think too. From experience.
I chose freedom… and the price has been exorbitant, but well worth it as time goes by.
Thank you. This resonated. Are we cohering into a community of the socially isolated ?
This was a painful read. That's why... at least to begin with... I am commenting. I guess it helps me deal with it. Perhaps though there is an additional thought I am able to share. I did not originate it but it resonated with me, so I've kept it ever since (about 15 years). The Earth is my country and my fellow human beings are its citizens. So, yes, it allows one to be oneself. It does it in such a way though that others may be themselves as well. And if one ponders it, we're each an individual. Unique, a one-off, y'know just a person.
It speaks to freedom as well. Again I take a step back. I take myself out of it for a moment. See two people or two groups of people. If one has greater freedom than the other then it is unhealthy. The imbalance invariably results in dominance, bullying, slavery... well these kinds of dynamics. So, as with another article I saw you write - each person has intrinsic worth. Freedom.. if it is to be healthy freedom.. requires this kind of balance between and among persons. I dunno how this may manifest in the world, but that's kinda the point. Such knowledge would put me above others. It is not my place, nor is it anyone else's. The thought itself though is sound, because we are each and every last one of us a person. Today's world has imbalances. They exist everyone and in a myriad of ways. It needs addressing. It seems to me you are working in this regard, so all the best with it. It is an aim I have in life as well.